Lovesick

And today I missed you.

Your faces, voices, hands and gestures.

I miss you everyday but today everything I do seems to remind me that I am living without you. It's a feeling I cannot quite put a finger on, part nostalgia and part wistfulness.

I moved a whole continent away and life came at me fast. Far from home, lost,  lonely,  scared, worried and abandoned I turned to work, commitment, motherhood... new beginnings. A whole new me. Oh how I missed you. Each night I went to bed with a prayer that if tomorrow brought hope, I hoped it brought me you.

We had some wild nights, some cold ones too, many drunken ones, ones where we gossiped a lot, days we hated the world and those we thought we owned it. We had a drama filled friendship. It was a sight to behold.

But lately I think too much and dance too little. I mourn the distance between us.

The art and craft of finding friends that mirror your soul is so intricate that no one ever hits that jackpot more than twice. With us, it was love at first conversation. I knew we were going be friends from the very first words we said to each other.

One of the hardest pills I ever I had to swallow was coming to the realization that you are far away and I am without you.

I did make some new friends and I will be the first to admit that they are amazing people but they don't get me sometimes. It's hard sometimes to explain everything I am going through because if you didn't know me from before, you would not understand it. I am afraid to share my insecurities with them sometimes because I am afraid that to them it might sound silly, I never feared that with you.

Sometimes I wonder if our bond will survive the distance and new responsibilities. The long silences, will they win against our love? Are we losing each other because we are waiting for the other to show that they they still care?

I have missed more calls than I can count because the time zones don't do us any favors. My good afternoon texts mean it's already midnight for you. And when you finally call back, work has me tied up or the twins need my attention. Also for the first time in my life I find myself in a relationship which demands more of me than I ever allowed. For once, I understand the sacrifices you made for me.

I was so needy and demanding of you even when you had  a love life. I needed you, I wanted your attention, I was always the damsel in distress. Somehow, your hearts always had room for me. No Prince ever came to my rescue, it was always you my very own warrior princesses that saved me.

You always came through and slayed my dragons for me, I had many of those. Self-doubt, bad hair days, exes, loneliness, betrayal, hunger, neediness or just plain old boredom and needing a girls' night to gossip and start some trouble. On your horses ( mostly Uber and commercial motorcycles aka boda-bodas ) you heroically rode to me and conquered my demons.

So if I have not said it before I will say it now, thank you for lending me your kindness on those days when I was so unkind to myself.

No phone call or text can ever put into words your real life reactions to situations. Your gestures, I still visualize them. Your laughter and looks from across the room when I understood what you meant without a word. These memories stay with me. My heart, it pines for you.

I long for the familiar faces. The familiar accents. The familiar hugs. The familiar smiles. The familiar bar couches we jumped on. The familiar long nights that we snuck alcohol into bars. I even long for the familiar fights.

It was never meant to happen this way, with me so far away and you all the way over there.

Can someone please tell my eyes to stop watering, they are wetting my keyboard?

But whether it's five years or forever, I will hold onto our friendship. We had so much to live for and we still do. We love each other so dearly that even with life getting in the way right now, we know we still have more chapters to write together.

Yes, I had to grow up. Yes, I love my new life. But growing up broke a piece of my heart away.

With that said I will close my eyes as I do everyday, so I can I can hear your voices. It is all I have left, and for now it will do.

36 comments

  1. virginia · January 25

    This is amazing and touching my lovely sis….im so proud ur an amazing n strong girl for being strong thru all this grow stronger n more sucessful💌

    Liked by 1 person

    • averageblackgal · January 25

      Thank you!!!’

      Like

    • SF · January 25

      There will never be replacement for our dearest friends. Those who know us and love us anyway – you are a damn strong woman. And you are loved.

      Like

  2. Sydney · January 25

    Amazing writing.
    For a second this tickled n took me to memoirs quite familiar n Lovely.
    Always remember true love does conquer and always let it fill ur heart my lil Riri.

    Like

  3. saddisticbitch · January 25

    This is soo emotional, I have taken two tuskers which Means I’ve got tears in my eyes. Miss you so much love. We are also getting the courage to come and join you.love you and miss you more than you could imagine.

    Like

  4. Eddy owakabi · January 25

    I m in love with this one nice

    Like

  5. Russell · January 25

    This gets me like “Awwww…”
    It’s so real and vivid, I can
    literally feel and understand
    these moments in life.
    Anyway change has always
    been a factor of life.

    Like

  6. Vee · January 25

    i relate so much so this but I’ve learnt that distance & “lack” of communication is no match for true love & friendship. 💕

    Like

  7. Shearoun · January 25

    Woww beautiful

    Like

  8. lifetimewilltell · January 25

    This is so deep! And so relatable.

    Like

  9. Bobbi · January 25

    Wow!
    Sweetie- I can feel your emotions so strongly. You convey them so well. I admire you for having the courage to move away from your family and friends and to continue with this new chapter of your life. It makes me sad that you are feeling so lonely yet you are so busy with your new life. I wish I could take your sad feelings away. I want you to be happy. You embrace life looking so happy, strong and loving and yet have these sad feelings locked inside of you. You must have amazing friends to miss them so much! I love you and hope that I can someday see where your young tender years were spent; meet your family and all your special friends, all who helped mold you into this wonderful, beautiful person I have met. I pray that you will look at us in America and feel our love and support and someday feel like you belong and feel that sense of peace that your life is complete. YOU, my friend, are very special. God Bless You!

    Like

    • averageblackgal · January 25

      Thank you. You and the entire family are perfect! I appreciate everything especially the warm welcome I have received. I never feel left out. Thank you for being so warm & northerly to me. You are the best I could ever wish for

      Like

  10. Semakalurobert · January 25

    Van’s, this s so emotional non non non. Let me go bubbles

    Like

  11. Evelyne · January 25

    Vanessa this is some nice message & it really expresses how emotional u are & how it feels being far away from home

    Like

  12. Irene k · January 26

    Beautifuly written, felt all kinds of different emotions while reading this, your so strong, it’s not easy being away from home. Am proud of you..

    Like

  13. Toby · January 26

    Someone once told me that a relationship between best friends is more complicated than a romantic relationship. I can attest to this fact, and you have conveyed it beautifully in this blog post.
    I miss your crazy ass. And please come visit us in Uganda soon. XO

    Like

    • averageblackgal · January 26

      Thank you for reading 🙏🏾 And I guarantee you that Uganda hasn’t seen the last of me. I’m definitely coming back

      Like

  14. Emma R · February 6

    What a beautiful piece ! I relate to this in so may ways and I know how much it cost us leaving home to come to a strange land. I take pleasure in knowing that life has taught us the true meaning of love, friendship and made us grow in so many ways. I am always here for you. Literally just a bike ride away. will be back soon to hear about your newest adventure. Love you .

    Like

  15. STARR · February 8

    Girl this is beautiful, you are special, xoxo

    Like

  16. Francis · February 13

    I really love and enjoy your writing, Please continue with your beautiful work. Thank you for putting a smile on my face and moving my mountain of emotions……xoxo

    Like

    • averageblackgal · February 13

      Thank you 🙏🏾 so much for reading 🙏🏾 It means lot coming from you as you are regarded very highly by Bobby. I can’t wait to meet you someday

      Like

  17. Tasha Nshuti · February 24

    I miss you so much wifey…Am crying,which you know i don’t normally do. Am proud of the woman you’ve become,more stronger,mature,courageous,most importantly a mother! I miss us esp ‘nga tunooba’ at the other’s residences,all the ‘mpalanilako’s’,’nkankunyeleko’s and the blessers(couldn’t leave this out😂😂😂) and more. I love you very much Okumu.

    Like

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