And today I missed you.
Your faces, voices, hands and gestures.
I miss you everyday but today everything I do seems to remind me that I am living without you. It's a feeling I cannot quite put a finger on, part nostalgia and part wistfulness.
I moved a whole continent away and life came at me fast. Far from home, lost, lonely, scared, worried and abandoned I turned to work, commitment, motherhood... new beginnings. A whole new me. Oh how I missed you. Each night I went to bed with a prayer that if tomorrow brought hope, I hoped it brought me you.
We had some wild nights, some cold ones too, many drunken ones, ones where we gossiped a lot, days we hated the world and those we thought we owned it. We had a drama filled friendship. It was a sight to behold.
But lately I think too much and dance too little. I mourn the distance between us.
The art and craft of finding friends that mirror your soul is so intricate that no one ever hits that jackpot more than twice. With us, it was love at first conversation. I knew we were going be friends from the very first words we said to each other.
One of the hardest pills I ever I had to swallow was coming to the realization that you are far away and I am without you.
I did make some new friends and I will be the first to admit that they are amazing people but they don't get me sometimes. It's hard sometimes to explain everything I am going through because if you didn't know me from before, you would not understand it. I am afraid to share my insecurities with them sometimes because I am afraid that to them it might sound silly, I never feared that with you.
Sometimes I wonder if our bond will survive the distance and new responsibilities. The long silences, will they win against our love? Are we losing each other because we are waiting for the other to show that they they still care?
I have missed more calls than I can count because the time zones don't do us any favors. My good afternoon texts mean it's already midnight for you. And when you finally call back, work has me tied up or the twins need my attention. Also for the first time in my life I find myself in a relationship which demands more of me than I ever allowed. For once, I understand the sacrifices you made for me.
I was so needy and demanding of you even when you had a love life. I needed you, I wanted your attention, I was always the damsel in distress. Somehow, your hearts always had room for me. No Prince ever came to my rescue, it was always you my very own warrior princesses that saved me.
You always came through and slayed my dragons for me, I had many of those. Self-doubt, bad hair days, exes, loneliness, betrayal, hunger, neediness or just plain old boredom and needing a girls' night to gossip and start some trouble. On your horses ( mostly Uber and commercial motorcycles aka boda-bodas ) you heroically rode to me and conquered my demons.
So if I have not said it before I will say it now, thank you for lending me your kindness on those days when I was so unkind to myself.
No phone call or text can ever put into words your real life reactions to situations. Your gestures, I still visualize them. Your laughter and looks from across the room when I understood what you meant without a word. These memories stay with me. My heart, it pines for you.
I long for the familiar faces. The familiar accents. The familiar hugs. The familiar smiles. The familiar bar couches we jumped on. The familiar long nights that we snuck alcohol into bars. I even long for the familiar fights.
It was never meant to happen this way, with me so far away and you all the way over there.
Can someone please tell my eyes to stop watering, they are wetting my keyboard?
But whether it's five years or forever, I will hold onto our friendship. We had so much to live for and we still do. We love each other so dearly that even with life getting in the way right now, we know we still have more chapters to write together.
Yes, I had to grow up. Yes, I love my new life. But growing up broke a piece of my heart away.
With that said I will close my eyes as I do everyday, so I can I can hear your voices. It is all I have left, and for now it will do.